New Realization.........

I remember the exact day that I told myself "No More!". I have so many stories of absolute crap that happened to me while I was growing up but what I am going to share with you is the day I said " I am no longer going to be that person".

I was 19 and it was three days after my birthday and it left me knowing it was the right choice. I woke up in my room that I rented (I guess you could say that)from my friend in St. Joseph Missouri which was a dump of a town and I liked it. Feeling hungry I rolled out of bed and headed for the stairs, as I was doing the morning stumble I smelt the bacon cooking which meant Bruce (my house mate and the guy I rented from) was already awake and it probably meant that he was awake because his back was causing problems. That should of been the key indicator that my day was going to go rocky........ See Bruce (my roommate) was naturally a asshole and it didn't take much to push him over the edge. That mixed with his drug habit........Oh, I didn't tell you that Bruce was the "Numero Uno" drug dealer in St. Joseph MO, did I? Well, I met him because my friend used to get deals through Bruce and one day I went along on the ride and we just clicked, I mainly think it was because Bruce was gay and fancied me but I didn't even know........and if only that did for me. Anyways, Bruce and I kind of ran an operation between KC and St. Joe and made good money doing it but the stress of constantly being worried that someone would find out was taking it's toll on him. So anyways, He had a lot to worry about.

There we were in the kitchen just trying to enjoy breakfast when he said "Hey, I've got a friend coming over and you may want to leave for a little bit" and I knew what that meant. See Bruce like most of the gay men that I have met in my life did not have a stable relationship and did casual hook ups to meet his needs and he was basically telling me to get out so he could have his fun. I got done with breakfast and made a call to a friend of mine and asked if he wanted to make some money and just hang out.......What person wouldn't?

I got dressed for the day and went out into the world with my buddy and tried to bring in some cash because rent was due and I wanted some new gear. We hit up some places and made some money but in the back of my mind all I could think of was Bruce's back. Bruce has had chronic back pain the whole time I knew him and was on social security because of it and also was prescribed morphine ( not the huge pills filled with extra crap and looked like footballs but the small ones that were almost pure)to deal with the pain. Sometimes I would come back to the house and he would of either sold all his pain pills so he would be in pain till he got a new prescription or he would dope himself out on them.......I feared the latter.

When I was done doing my business and hanging out my friend dropped me back off at my house. I walked in and I knew something was funny because all the lights were out, so I was extra quite because I thought Bruce might be sleeping because of the crazy love making he did. I was wrong.

As I got half way up the stairs and about two steps away from my bedroom door I heard a sob. Instead of turning around and going into my room I decided to investigate ( I knew it was Bruce and since we were friends, I had to comfort him). As I walked into his doorway I saw him in his bed with a shotgun at his head and plastic all on the wall behind his bed. I froze and said the only thing that came to mind "WTF?! What are you doing......Dude, everything is going to be okay...Put the gun down!" he looked at me with his drugged out (Damn that morphine) and said " How am I ever going to find love?! Look at me?! No one cares about me and my only friends are friends because I sell weed!.....The only friend I have is you." I took a couple steps towards him and was letting him know that I didn't want him holding that gun. He glared at me and then said "Don't!" followed with "The only reason it hasn't happened yet is because I had to put the plastic on the wall so I didn't make a mess!" and then he did something I didn't expect. He looked at me as if he was no longer depressed but now his eyes were filled with anger. I took a step back and said "What?" knowing that things were going to get crazy. He took the gun that he was cradling and slowly aimed it towards me, at that same moment I realized that this was not going to end up how I thought, and jumped he hell out the bedroom door and did a tuck and roll. That is when I heard the first "Boom!" so I picked my heavy ass up with my hands and military crawled towards the stairs which was about six feet away from where I rolled to. As I started to crawl I heard Bruce get up off his bed. I made it to the stairs and instead of getting up I slid my body down the stairs like a flat board and that is when I heard the second "Boom!". When I got to the bottom I ran out the front door and all the way down the block before I even thought to breathe.

As I sit about two blocks down from the house trying to get some air in my lungs. I see Bruce get into his truck and drive off in the opposite direction. I knowing that there was going to be a problem called my friend and asked him to meet me about three blocks down from where I was to pick me up. I just wanted to get somewhere safe and I knew my friend had a gun so at least Bruce and I could play waterguns fair then.......If the situation showed itself again.

I got picked up and my friend dropped me off at my parent's house, where Bruce would never think to go because he knew my parents and I were not on speaking terms and knew that my dad was ex-military and that he might have a gun. I got home and explain what happened to my parents and knew that they would listen, which they didn't but they did care that I was home and wanted me to be safe.

Weeks went by and I kept my nose clean and just played safe around my family and tried to be a better role model for my brothers, because those kids wanna be just like big brother. Nothing seemed to be out of place until my mother and father decided to move. It was a couple of days after we got into our house in Platte City when we got a knock on the door by two men in suites with badges asking me all kinds of questions about " Did I know Bruce?" ......"Did you live with him?"......."Did I know he was selling drugs?"......It didn't matter I wasn't telling them anything. They made their threats and said that they would return, they never did. ( They were with the Drug Strike Force in St. Joe Missouri). Bruce got himself into some big trouble. After he took off in the truck some neighbor called the cops and they picked him up down the block. The neighbor reported hearing gunshots and so the cops walked inside.....They, found the two holes in the walls that were right in places where I was a target at one time. While going through his house they found drugs and plants that he had stashed. They also found articles of clothing and some paperwork that had my name on it. I don't think Bruce ever mentioned my name and I think that is why I never got in trouble but I wasn't going to help him out since he tried to kill me.
After all of that I knew that my life was going to have to change. I loved the money and respect that I got but I don't think it was worth my life. I got a little worried going out and parting at college because of the DSF but no one ever showed. All in all, I had to leave everything I knew behind and live life like it never happened and I know some people would be like "Why?!" and all I can say is........ I love my life too much to risk it over something as stupid as man who can't hold his cool.

-Patch